So I went and saw a psychiatrist on Friday. He told me, after performing an AQ test on me, that I “most likely have Aspergers, Autism, AD/HD or something of that vain”. I don’t know how I feel about this honestly. I mean it does provide some explanation as to why I always feel “different” and why I have such trouble with social interaction, but at the same time, the idea of using it as an excuse for socially unacceptable behaviour such as the recent saga with Emily does not sit well in my mind.
He explained a type of therapy that could be very useful for me and something I have been trying to express to my friends for many years. The therapy involves someone going over certain social situations with me and then explaining what various non-verbal cues me and what conclusions I should draw from a particular situation. I have been trying to ask my friends to do this with me in general, however it seems lost of them. The idea that I want to talk to someone like Emily to figure out what I have missed.
I mean in that particular situation I have come to understand the majority of the social group knew that she was not interested in me however no one, for various reasons, took me aside and told me this until the damage was irrevocable. However, I should not dwell on the past. I’ve already dedicated an entire post onto that particular topic. However it doesn’t seem to go away. Oh, I have all but dealt with my side I feel, however I am getting practically ignored by some friends and I am wondering as to why. Is it because they are sit of cleaning up my messes or listening to my problems? Is it because they have bias against me because they have been hanging out with Emily and Richard? I don’t know. I’m starting to wonder if they’re worth maintaining friends with.
Really, it’s hard enough for me to maintain friendships without having unexplained animosity. Just a few days ago a conflict with that I didn’t even know about came to a head, the result of which was me defending my actions of the past few months due to me posting a harmless motivational video on my Facebook wall. I had to tell the individual in question to stay out of things for a least a little while because he was being less than helpful. Not to mention he called me selfish. I don’t understand how someone who clearly has a dislike for me feels that trying to help me is in my best interests. I mean, if you can’t get over your preconception that lead you to dislike me, how precisely are you going to empathise with me? Isn’t empathy required to help someone? Or is that some naive noble sentiment I have developed?
I also noted while planning for my upcoming trip back home that I have been unintentionally neglecting friends. None of them made an issue of it, so I didn’t think anything of it, and considering everything I have been through in the past few years it has been difficult to even maintain my friendships here, let alone long distance ones. I kinda feel bad about that. But at the same time I’m not very good at small talk. I make friends with people of mutual interests whom I can engage in mutually stimulating activities. The only exception to this is a friend I meet every Wednesday for lunch. And that I do because it is strongly ingrained in my weekly “schedule” to the point that I notice and actually feel a little bit distressed if it doesn’t happen. Apparently maintaining a schedule like this is one of the defining characteristics of Aspergers.
Which brings me full circle. I really don’t know if I like the idea of having Aspergers. I mean, I used to not know any better, but now I do, and feeling like I don’t belong is something that has been eating at me for a couple of years now. I want to belong. Right now I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I spent quite a while finding a niche at University I thought I felt comfortable in, but apparently I’m not welcome in that area again. I can’t just go to the place to hang out like I used to. I don’t feel safe.
And I don’t mean I don’t feel comfortable, I mean that I fear that someone might actually physically harm me if I go there at the wrong time. And that isn’t something I should be feeling.