My thoughts are a mess

I was told to start this blog by some concerned friends. They have been suggesting it for a while, telling me it will probably be good to get some of my thoughts down on paper. After all, they are a bit of a mess and difficult to understand.

Things have been going downhill for me ever since Semester 2 last year (2011). Not entirely sure exactly what went wrong but the course load got too much for me to handle and I started having dips into anxiety and depression. Neither of which were pleasant for me, or any of my friends I’m sure.

I thought I was recovering well, what with seeing a psychologist and everything at the start of this year. This is when I meet Emily. I still wasn’t completely on top of my emotions, so I was worried that if I decided to try and start any kind of relationship it would be too much for the girl in question.

I also was having trouble with the concept of what I was supposed to be like before I could start looking for a relationship. The problem is I didn’t think, and still don’t think, I’ll fully recover from whatever it is that is wrong with me. So I thought maybe since I was improving it would be okay to ask out Emily.

I was wrong. Emily, I believe has some kind of learning disability, my guess is autism, and doesn’t understand non-verbal cues. If I was a little more perceptive I might have noticed this earlier. She was saying one thing, and doing another, and for some like me, who has Higher Functional Aspergers, I find this difficult to process. I decided to follow the non-verbal cues, since that is what most neurotypicals, I have learned, base their behaviour on.

For Emily however, this was too much, I later learned. She had told me, as clearly as she could, she wasn’t interested in me, or anyone in fact, in that way. The idea that she could be testing me, that she was just having cold feet, didn’t cross her mind at all. I continued to purse her.

I feel terrible for this, I have spent my entire life trying to understand other people, trying to understand what all the subtle things they do mean, and not once in the months that this situation ended up being drawn up to did it cross my mind that someone might actually be like me, straightforward and say exactly what they mean. I thought no one was like me.

This situation was complicated greatly by a third player, Richard, who as far as I can tell is interested in Emily too. This would be okay, because a quick explanation of what happened with me, and he would probably understand that Emily was different and that he needs to treat her different.

Unfortunately Richard isn’t tolerant of anyone who doesn’t fit the social normative, which obviously I don’t. He and Emily were developing a close friendship, which I’m pretty sure he expected, and maybe even still expects, to develop into something more (which is eerily similar to my initial reaction to my relationship with Emily).

As things between me and Emily were breaking down further, to the point that she had stopped talking to me and was activity avoiding me, I asked Richard for some advice. He used this as an opening to belittle everything I have done wrong in his eyes.

Needless to say I told him to stuff off, and stopped talking to him, and tried using other friends who more understanding to figure out what had gone wrong. He still holds a grudge for that, and even thought I have apologised to him, he seems not at all interested in resolving the situation.

In fact in some ways he has actively sabotaged efforts on my part to resolve things with Emily. With help of friends I have come to the conclusion that he is interested in Emily, and although Emily and he are close and even engage in behaviours that some would interrupt to mean a budding relationship was forming (for example Emily letting Richard stay over at her place for the night), Emily does not reciprocate this feeling, or even know that her actions may be understood differently, and Richard blames me for this.

A few weeks ago I gave Emily an ultimatum. I was sick of the games and wanted some kind of finality to come over the situation. I told Emily I would cease all contact with her if she was unwilling to do anything towards redeeming the situation.

She chose the former option, and true to my word I have ceased all contact with her. I even gave up some activities, and hang out spots, for her benefit. In her last message to me she indicated that she thought she had been clear, and was actually annoyed that I thought otherwise and thought the mutual friends who agreed with me were sympathising with me rather than being objective.

However since then, things have been difficult for me. With now limited contact with my friends, I am feeling isolated and lonely, and even quite resentful of the whole situation. It seems to me that the positive development of putting this situation to rest has instead turned into my own personal hell of my own making.

And most of my friends are completely oblivious to this. I hear about their board games days with Emily, I hear about their plans to go the beach, and these things they seem to make no accommodation for me. Annoying really because the reason things started to break down with me and Emily after a certain point was not because I will still pursuing her, but because she was neglecting me. Now not only am I getting neglected by her, by extension, a large part of my friendship group.

I know they’re not doing it on purpose, but it still hurts. Hopefully my life takes a positive turn soon because I’m not coping very well, although I am seeking psychiatric help.

Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

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